If You Only Knew

Okay, I lied, This is another poem. I know it's not that good. The first part randomly came to me while the second I had to fight to get.


I'm your son, so you worry about me.
I'm your brother, so you deal with me.
I'm your friend, so you care about me.
I'm your lover, so you yern for me.

I'm greatful for all of you. All that you've given me.
But if you knew my feelings were superficial,
would you still be able to love me?

Study Hall

This is a poem (yes a poem. but it's the only one i've ever wrote, so don't expect any more for a while) that i started in 10th grade, as hinted by the first line. it seems incomplete because it is. I couldn't find a way to end it, so expect it to be posted again. a side note: it's read more like a rap done a cappella than a poem.

Study Hall 10th grade
I'm keeping these feelings at bay
For a girl that I may ask out, but
What to say…
You see, I've never been good with words
I say to the opposite sex. They're always slurred
Which causes her to run away taking my heart.
It's so absurd...
But this girl that's caused me to fall,
That acknowledges me in the halls
And likes to take walks down a dirt road
Barely used at all...
She has this kind of way about her
That if you're talking will cause you to stutter
But if you turn away she'll disappear
In a blur...
If i would just man up and take a stand
And say to her the things I can't
Perhaps I could land her and she'd accept me
The way I am...
But I'm still just criticizing
Myself for not being able to extemporize
By still being who i truly am and
Not using lies...

On This Occasion, I Shall Remain Indifferent

Ok, so it's been a while. pfuuuh....well. i guess i should start with what i'm gonna talk about. The subject of this post is apathy, or indifference. See, i've come to realize i am a very apathetic person. Now, this does have some perks. For one thing, i'm never bored. As long as i'm doing something, be it something productive like the story i'm slowly writing, or something as inane as picking strings off my pants (most of which are cut off), i never get the feeling of "i'm bored". now, i do sometimes get the feeling i should do something else, but if i'm not prompted to, i most likely won't. A good point of this is that i can sit and enjoy just about anyone's company without us even doing anything. But this is about as far as good points go.

See, being apathetic means i don't have a strong emotional connection to anyone, including my family. Consciously, anyway. During funerals, memorial services, weddings, basically anything with a strong emotional setting, i do feel touched and a lot of times tear up. But i've come to think this is a reflex, like my mind is saying "hey, you should be crying right now." Whether this is the actual case or not, i'm not sure. And this bothers me, because one day i sat and deeply thought about my family all suddenly dying. I realized that i would cry for a while, feel saddened for a few days, then i'd be fine. I feel like there should be more to it than that.

Now, there is a chance i am actually being emotionally effected. I do exert emotion, but they're not extreme. When i'm "mad", the most that i can say i am is aggravated. When i'm "happy", content. It just goes on like this. My humor is a different story. I'd actually go as far as saying it's childish. No matter what the situation is, i'll at least smirk. Most of the time i'm trying to hold back the laughter.

Most may say that i'm really just suffering from depression. But i know for a fact this is not the case. I believe depression doesn't technically "exist". I believe its a state the brain goes in when it doesn't know what else to do. And because it's a problem with the mind that we are conscious of, we are able to get over it ourselves. Well, i believe we should. When most people get "depressed", the run to a doctor's office or a liquor store. Anything that can "help" them get over the problem, even if for a short amount of time. Thinking back, this way of thought may be due to my apathy, but i couldn't say if it is or not.

As for the cause of my apathy, i do have a few theories. Well, one theory that has happened multiple times. During the course of my carefree (and developmental)childhood, i had suffered multiple head injuries. The most recent was a concussion due to a car accident where i fell asleep and hit a tree. Another major instance was when i was hit in the forehead with the metal part of a rake. I've researched it, and it turns out "faux depression" (not sure of actual term at the moment), which is all the signs of depression without actually being depressed, is a symptom of frontal head injuries.

I also found out frontal head injuries also cause personality changes, which i believe have also happened to me. (now, i know at this point i'm kinda gabbing, but it may be a while yet until i post something new, so i'm gonna keep going) According to my zodiac(aries), chinese zodiac(rooster), and every personality quiz i've taken, i'm supposed to be an assertive, outgoing person who like to take charge. In reality, i'm rather shy towards strangers and would rather follow directions than be the one issuing them. I'm also supposed to be an extremist, not believing in the "gray area" of things. In reality, the gray area is all my mind sees. These are the most obvious (as well as the only) differences i've found, yet they most determine my personality.

Something that points to this being the result of injury, is the fact that sometimes i do exhibit the traits that almost all arians should. I sometimes am very open with strangers, and jump to extremes in debates. But 98% of the time, i act how i described above. I thought at one point i may have a multiple personality disorder, but due to the fact that i remember almost everything that happens, i threw this theory out.

Well, this is the case of my apathy, as well as my personality issues. I don't really know if this will help anyone or not, but i felt i needed to get it out. May you never take everything shoved into that little head of yours at value, and question everything. peace.

My Thoughts on Thoughts

This is a theory of mine. I don't have a lot of information to back it up, but, from my own experiences and numerous documented accounts, I believe it has some merit. Here it is.

If you didn't guess from the title, my theory has to do about the mind. To be more precise, the sub-conscious. To just get it out there, so i can use the rest of this to explain myself, my theory is that everyone's unconscious mind is connected. Now before you start shaking your head and moving the cursor to the back button (or for those intelligent enough to use shortcuts, putting your finger one the backspace key), let me explain myself. My first reason for believing this is the fact that twins can sometimes be mentally linked. Like how no matter how far apart they are, they can feel when the other is in pain or is upset. Another reason is that two people that spend a lot of time together; i.e. brothers, sisters, best friends, etc.; can do things such as finishing each others sentences. There's also the fact that we sometimes receive information randomly, like from a dream. This ties into my final reason, which to some would be the most far-fetched, that is the existence of premonitions and clairvoyance. I know there are skeptics, but when I have a dream about being in a classroom and learning everyone's name, then actually going into a classroom I've never been in and knowing everyone's name before even sitting down, I'm willing to believe.

I guess now would be a good time to fully explain my theory. I think (I don't say believe, because I don't see this as an irrefutable truth, but as something I think about at times) that there is a single source; be it fate, destiny, a god, what-have-you; that distributes set knowledge to certain people. This is knowledge that one hasn't discovered in reality, such as getting the answer to a problem after sleeping.

Like I said earlier, this is just a theory that I thought up with little research. I don't expect anyone to believe it, but any solid information adding to it or refuting it is appreciated. Well, this is all I have for now. Until next time, may you never take everything shoved into that little head of yours at value, and question everything. peace.

First Post

Yeah, so this is my first blog. now this is not a rant, mind you, though there eventually might be one. this is just so i can "express myself", which one of my sisters says i don't do.

um, hm....where to start. oh, i know. let's start with the downfall of the minds of human kind's up-and-coming generations. now, not all of them are subject to this decadence, but a good percentage is. actually, my for-mentioned sister is the basis of this, and if she has the personality i believe she does, a fair amount of her friends are the same way. she bitches and complains about our youngest sister always getting her way (which was true a few years ago, but is beginning to stop with my parents' realization that she was pulling the "baby-of-the-family" card too long). then she turns around and demands someone does one of numerous tasks for her. this proves that parents today have spoiled their children to the point that even though they are old enough to do almost everything their damned selves, they still want their every whim catered to. another thing that disgusts me is the music they are all listening to. this isn't shot at artists today, although they are for the most part tools who are copying everyone else in their attempts to make a buck. but when 15 seconds into a song the lyrics are talking about bending "that bitch" over a table and having his way with her apparently "voluptuous" ass, parents need to confiscate the cd (or delete the file, which would suit today's style).

i guess that is about it for now. and thinking back, i guess the rant came a lot earlier than what i thought. may you never take everything shoved into that little head of yours at value, and question everything. peace.