On This Occasion, I Shall Remain Indifferent

Ok, so it's been a while. pfuuuh....well. i guess i should start with what i'm gonna talk about. The subject of this post is apathy, or indifference. See, i've come to realize i am a very apathetic person. Now, this does have some perks. For one thing, i'm never bored. As long as i'm doing something, be it something productive like the story i'm slowly writing, or something as inane as picking strings off my pants (most of which are cut off), i never get the feeling of "i'm bored". now, i do sometimes get the feeling i should do something else, but if i'm not prompted to, i most likely won't. A good point of this is that i can sit and enjoy just about anyone's company without us even doing anything. But this is about as far as good points go.

See, being apathetic means i don't have a strong emotional connection to anyone, including my family. Consciously, anyway. During funerals, memorial services, weddings, basically anything with a strong emotional setting, i do feel touched and a lot of times tear up. But i've come to think this is a reflex, like my mind is saying "hey, you should be crying right now." Whether this is the actual case or not, i'm not sure. And this bothers me, because one day i sat and deeply thought about my family all suddenly dying. I realized that i would cry for a while, feel saddened for a few days, then i'd be fine. I feel like there should be more to it than that.

Now, there is a chance i am actually being emotionally effected. I do exert emotion, but they're not extreme. When i'm "mad", the most that i can say i am is aggravated. When i'm "happy", content. It just goes on like this. My humor is a different story. I'd actually go as far as saying it's childish. No matter what the situation is, i'll at least smirk. Most of the time i'm trying to hold back the laughter.

Most may say that i'm really just suffering from depression. But i know for a fact this is not the case. I believe depression doesn't technically "exist". I believe its a state the brain goes in when it doesn't know what else to do. And because it's a problem with the mind that we are conscious of, we are able to get over it ourselves. Well, i believe we should. When most people get "depressed", the run to a doctor's office or a liquor store. Anything that can "help" them get over the problem, even if for a short amount of time. Thinking back, this way of thought may be due to my apathy, but i couldn't say if it is or not.

As for the cause of my apathy, i do have a few theories. Well, one theory that has happened multiple times. During the course of my carefree (and developmental)childhood, i had suffered multiple head injuries. The most recent was a concussion due to a car accident where i fell asleep and hit a tree. Another major instance was when i was hit in the forehead with the metal part of a rake. I've researched it, and it turns out "faux depression" (not sure of actual term at the moment), which is all the signs of depression without actually being depressed, is a symptom of frontal head injuries.

I also found out frontal head injuries also cause personality changes, which i believe have also happened to me. (now, i know at this point i'm kinda gabbing, but it may be a while yet until i post something new, so i'm gonna keep going) According to my zodiac(aries), chinese zodiac(rooster), and every personality quiz i've taken, i'm supposed to be an assertive, outgoing person who like to take charge. In reality, i'm rather shy towards strangers and would rather follow directions than be the one issuing them. I'm also supposed to be an extremist, not believing in the "gray area" of things. In reality, the gray area is all my mind sees. These are the most obvious (as well as the only) differences i've found, yet they most determine my personality.

Something that points to this being the result of injury, is the fact that sometimes i do exhibit the traits that almost all arians should. I sometimes am very open with strangers, and jump to extremes in debates. But 98% of the time, i act how i described above. I thought at one point i may have a multiple personality disorder, but due to the fact that i remember almost everything that happens, i threw this theory out.

Well, this is the case of my apathy, as well as my personality issues. I don't really know if this will help anyone or not, but i felt i needed to get it out. May you never take everything shoved into that little head of yours at value, and question everything. peace.